Starting Over

How to love myself?

It’s taken me to reach the grand young age of 41 to realise that it is absolutely and wholeheartedly OK to be selfish.

I grew up being taught to care for others and to be kind, but I seem to have forgotten about myself in that part. I thought selfish was a bad word but its not really. Not if used properly.

I always shied away from asking myself what I want, what i need, and how to love myself. I thought that meant I would be arrogant and self obsessed.  But, that’s not it at all.

What about me?

After being married for a very long time and slotting in alongside my husband, following him around like the dutiful wife, to support his career, it all came crashing down. Thank god it did. At the time I couldn’t understand or see why this would happen, as in my eyes I had done everything to make sure HE was OK. But! What about little old me? 

The breakup hit me later in life, which meant I really had to dig deep and start again. It was very daunting and scary but i knew this had all happened for a reason. It’s not until now, five years on I can see what that reason was.

As I sit in my kitchen now writing this, performing my own self love (which is making a simple soup) I am happy, content, free and proud of the journey of finding my own path and to learn to love Lucy again.

At first I thought it had to be something big – like finding that perfect job, earning that ‘X’ amount of money, but in actual fact, its none of those things.  It’s being aware of what you do, eat, think, say, it all has an affect on the mind and if you are anything like me, my heart is firmly on my sleeve which sometimes feels an added layer to deal with as well.

Being mindful

So, I started off small. I bought a small pad of watercolour drawings and sat and painted them. I started cooking and concocting things out of nowhere (my recent fave is mashed peas on toast. Who would have thought!) it was exfoliating, moisturising, keeping hydrated, trying to the curb the booze and to be very mindful as to how I speak to myself.

Ask my friends, often you will hear me saying, ‘oh my god I’m such an idiot’ its a full on joke but the words are not helpful to the brain when you are trying to get back on your feet.

It was really a time of peeling back the layers, digging deep and asking myself what I want from life, what is my purpose, what are my dreams. Big questions and I still don’t know all the answers, because it doesn’t just come over night.

Anything worthwhile will take time, and caring for yourself will take time, and courage.

Nothing in life is smooth sailing, its all part of the test or journey and so I am mindful to now try to reflect and see a lesson or learning in the things that happen to me.  

It’s also about trying new things, going out of your comfort zone, saying yes, saying no, asking yourself each day ‘how do I want to feel today’ because the majority of us are so lucky to be able to ask ourselves this and make a choice.

A spiritual journey

I also started on a bit of a spiritual journey as well – numerology and angel numbers and messages started to appear before me and I am starting to learn about this. I realise that might sound a bit ‘woo woo’ but if it helps why not.

I’ve learnt through my therapies that the energy we bare, is like a massive magnet. What you feel and put out you attract. So working on your souls vibrations is personally important to me as I am very aware that I want the good to reflect back. I have used crystals to help keep me grounded. 

I meditate with candles whilst holding special crystals in my palm and I go to work with a crystal in my bra! Just so I can feel close and connected to not only the pretty colours but the energy and meaning as well.

Going through a heartbreak of any kind is a rollercoaster. The variety of emotions that I never even thought I could feel, surface their ugly heads, and wave at you and say ‘ha ha im here how are you going to deal with me?!’ It’s tough. It takes proper strength and its too easy to hide away, cover it up. If you do that you are just temporarily ignoring the problem and its bubbling deep inside you until its too late and it surfaces worse than the first time.

Some things may always be inside you and never go a way – like the hurt, but learning how to recognise and handle the emotions help along the way and help with handling it.

How lucky we are to even experience these forms of emotions – we as humans are a rare extraordinary breed.  

So my advice is this. When the shit hits the fan, face it. Dig deep. Address your feelings. Do what makes you feel loved. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. It’s not easy, but its worth it.

Feel the love inside and you will then attract it on the outside.